Late Night Entry

Chemo number six is tomorrow. Six of six. Time has flown. I have a nervous pit of mixed emotion brewing. As excited as I am to complete this step, I am really, really nervous of what is to come.

I think this brings me to this late night entry. I cannot blame Daylight Savings Time. I cannot even blame the pre-chemo steroids I took at 6:30 p.m. I just am wound up, I think.

It has been a great week, in a backwards sort of way. Steve was really sick this week. Worrisome sick. I felt so helpless not being able to do much (I was still sick too), especially in the transportation department. Then again, my feeling a helpless in the transportation department is not abnormal. Mostly, I try not to think about it. We do have help. So many people are so gracious.

On another note, we had the ceilings in our house scraped this week. Silly me did not even think about the fact that I am allergic to dust. Goofy. That what I have to say about that. If I had hair, I definitely was a blond in the thinking through the selection of these dates. No offense to my beautiful blond friends. (I actually used to be a natural blond until I was about 25 years old, so I feel like I can make this kind of statement, anyway.) Needless to say, my allergies are a mess, but my ceilings are gorgeous.

We saw Dr. Sweet on Friday. He was not concerned about my allergies and the cough that has ensued. Everyone else is. My parents went to the see him with me. I think they liked him a lot. I was pleased that Dr. Sweet prescribed Neulasta for me, replacing my Neupogen shots. While (fairly) easy at the start, after chemo session five, my skin was so sensitive, I dreaded giving myself Neupogen shots every day. I knew it saved Kaiser thousands of dollars and was OK with that. However, at this point, I am done saving them money - so I asked for the $5,000 shot of Neulasta. There is an associated risk with this new drug, if I am to become neutropenic again. I'll risk it.

I did have to laugh though. My medical record now looks something like this:
Sunday - Pre-chemo required blood work
Monday - Chemo
Tuesday - Neulasta shot
Wednesday - Spa Day

Does Kaiser have a spa? We all laughed when he said it. I did not think it was in my official records. Now that it is....hmmm.....I hope the Neulasta shot is not some horrendous procedure that I do not know about yet. Better not think about that either.

So, also this week, I made my appointments for a second opinion and an appointment with my surgeon. This will immediately be followed by a family counseling session, that has been on the books for about a month. I should have a plan for next steps next week.

I have been handling my chemo well. I have to imagine that I will handle the surgery and radiation just as well. However, in the back of my mind, I just can't help but worry about hidden cancer cells that they could find when surgery is performed. I just can't help but worry about what my right arm is going to feel like after they sacrifice the main nerve in my armpit to remove my lymph nodes or vainly, how I am going to handle looking at myself in the mirror flat-chested. Outside of hating the feeling of air circulating on my bare head, I am OK with my bald head, mostly. Some pics taken by my friend Stephani Dennis (Steph also took our family pics this past Fall) really made me feel beautiful. Maybe I can feel that way about my chest? I am getting the idea from talking to people that reconstruction may not be possible for up to nine months post radiation. Could be same time next year?

I will handle it all, I know it. That is just how I am built, pardon the pun. But really, life goes on. We all have our own "stuff" - mine just happens to be on the life-threatening side. This really does not mean that my life is in danger, in my mind. It just means that I am sick and "cancer" is a big scary word. Maybe I just need more Ativan.

So, wrapping this entry up may be a good idea since it is now really, really late. Thank you to all who rose to the occasion to help us this week. Boy, did we ever need it. You all continue to inspire me - the dinners, the lunches, the notes, phone calls, emails, cards and Facebook posts are awesome! I really hope I responded to you all and if I did not, please know that you made me smile and I appreciate each and every one of you!

Six and out! (Picture to follow tomorrow.)

The Calm Before the Storm

It is raining outside. Love it. We have had a lot of rain this year, as most of you know. It makes for a lot of cancelled kids' sporting events and lazy days. I just wished we could go skiing - Mammoth Mountain has a 400" base. Wow. Steve and I have not gone skiing in a number of years and had decided this past summer that this would be our year to take the kids for their first time. Better luck next year, I guess. Our kids have been on many fun vacations in their time - do not feel too sorry for them.

As I type this, I sit in my new living room. Well, not exactly new in decor - yet. Though, I am viewing the rain fall through my beautiful new windows and shutters. Cooper is sitting in Steve's chair looking at me wistfully. Die Hard, one of my favorite movies, is on television.

Where is Steve? Well, he is preparing for the storm - our ceilings are being scraped this week and also as important, but not quite as messy, my new living room is being painted. My parents have been extremely helpful in helping us to prepare and are even coming over today to help make final assessments and give direction for prep work that needs to be complete.

The caveat to all this is that Steve finally caught the nasty cold that Harrison, Maddie and I have had all week. This is where it gets frustrating. My stamina is just not there. As soon as I finish typing this, I am going to start some laundry, help Steve and make sure Harrison gets started on his homework assignment. I am determined and I will accomplish my goals today. Steve thinks he can do it all and he probably can. However, sick as he is, should I let him?

I should mention that I love the way our house is coming together. Steve and I both feel that anything that is postponed in the house's remodel progression now, might as well be put off indefinitely due to my health. We can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We know our stopping point is not too far off, after which point, projects will be more manageable and/or can wait until after my surgery.

Personally, I am feeling better, though my cold and cough linger. I suspect they will for awhile. I am curious what my white count looks like. Regardless, like my goals today, I am determined to carry out my plans for the next week. What are they? Two of my close friends have birthdays - I intend to celebrate with both. I have special lunch invitations for tomorrow and Tuesday; I am getting a pedicure/manicure on Wednesday; and, I am also celebrating my grandma's birthday with my mom on Friday. (Grandma passed away this summer and Mom and I are going to see Grandma's newly installed gravestone. Grandma's birthday is March 11.)

So, today, truly is the calm before the storm. I am going to enjoy every last moment of it and even "the storm" that is this week, as March 15 (a week from Monday) is my LAST chemotherapy treatment. It is going to be a tough one. The fifth was a tough one. I am going to try not to think about it too much. Something tells me that the chemotherapy is going to be much easier than the surgeries that are in my future. But I am going to try not to think about that either. My best bet is just to think about the here and now.

Or in the great words of John McClane, "Yippee-ki-yay...." Oh, you know the rest!