An Update

It has been a long month. And I have sat down to write this several times. The words just have not been there. They fail me. This might be the same reason I have not picked up the phone or that I have not answered email.

Truth be told, I struggle with pain every day. I always thought I was good with pain. I am learning that I am not. I am now working with UCSD's Howell Palliative Care Team to help me manage my medications. I am on Oxycontin every twelve hours and Oxicodone every four hours, so I am happy to have the help. These meds keep me tired most of the time. Every day tasks seem to take extra energy and I am therefore discouraged against completing them. The energy I have one day does not translate well to the next, and so on and so forth. I try to remind myself how good it feels to get out on in the sunshine and do just about anything. Seems like I always feel like going to Target or shopping, but I rarely get out and do these things.

There have been some real nice things happening around me. I went to a Women's Retreat in Julian with my mom a couple of weeks ago. It was so special it is even hard to put into words. Among my favorite parts was me getting a piece of advice from every woman in the room on growing older. I cried a lot. I suppose I needed that. My mom tucked me into bed every night. I suppose I needed that too. It was such a positive experience that I know I will remember the rest of my life.

My daughter was in her first talent show this week. I beamed with pride as I watched her sing on stage with her friend, Grace. Talent show participation was not something I would have even considered when I was her age.

With all that I have had going on, one thing that is not moving forward is chemotherapy. My platelet counts remain too low. Next week is technically my week off and though it is full of doctor's appointments of all types, I am hoping that my platelet counts come up again, so I can have chemo the week after next. Last time around, this did not happen. Maybe I will get lucky this time.

No Good Reason to Post

......Other than I feel like it. Quite a change from recently, when I have had to convince to myself to post. Truth be told, I have not been feeling that well. My stomach has been bothering me and I am not sure why. Mainly, a weird sort of nausea, light pain. They took a bunch of blood from me on Saturday. The tests are not back yet.

I walked the dog twice today - once by myself, once with the family. We are getting to my favorite part of the year where the days are long and the evening hours seem extended. Going for a walk tonight with the family was wonderful. Our dog has been overfed/under exercised for some time now....so two walks for him is great. He needs it. The fresh air was good for all of us.

I am finding myself missing my friends lately. I enjoy reading blog posts by a couple of them. It makes me feel closer to them, at least. My missing them is compounded by the fact that I am not feeling like doing anything about it. Feeling the way that I do is miserable. Eating feels like a chore. I really miss my appetite. I miss food cravings and pigging out on ice cream or pizza. In general, I was telling Steve today that I feel similar to the way I felt when we were in Florida and I was admitted to the hospital. Don't get me wrong, I do not think I need to be admitted to the hospital. I am confident that the blood work submitted is enough. I just feel so crummy. Which is the perfect time for FaceBook and Twitter. They keep me connected to you all and make me smile.

I was also touched by a new connection I made with a distant relative of Steve's. She found me by way of Ancestry.com and my blog. She sent me a very kind email and I look forward to making a new friend.

Other than that, my daughter brought home a marvelous report card. Probably the best I have ever seen from either of my children while in elementary school. My kids were on Spring Break last week and I have to say I enjoyed every moment of it. What great kids I have. So helpful. So genuine. I was really impressed. Is it wrong to be impressed by your own kids and share it with the world? I hope not.

So, I am rambling now. So I will have to cut this post here. Thank you all for listening and being "here" for me. I really appreciate you all.