Expectations

I ache. I think I may have finally caught something resembling Harrison's cold. Only mine went straight to my chest; it is not really in my sinuses at the moment. The kids are off to school though - BOTH of them! I scaled back my plans for today, have taken my vicodin and have my trusty thermometer by my bed. My parents are coming over to help around the house and maybe with an errand or two. I am looking forward to it. I think spending time alone with my mom and dad will be good for me.

I know why I feel run down. I had a weekend where I rarely sat still. Friday night, I was at my friend's house. Steve was exhausted, Harrison sick and so a couple of my friends came over to get me. Another one of my friends stayed sober to bring me home. I have good friends. I need to get out more - to remind me that life is good.

I have been depressed lately. No one has been able to make me happy. I have not been able to tell any one how to make me happy. Psychologically, I am still reeling from the after affects of my seizure. There is no way to explain how it feels to have a grand Mal seizure in front of more than 100 people. To be referred to in discussions, as "his wife is the one who had the seizure." I do remember a seizure that I had at the flower stand that I worked at while in high school. I was 17. Mind you, I put on a brave face then as I do now. The after affects of having the seizure and now not being able to drive send me to that depressed place I knew as that 17 year old. As my cousin rightly pointed out, Steve does not know me here and I need to let him in a little more, so he can help me. I am working on that.

Steve is a remarkable man. However, it was during a tearful discussion that we had on Saturday morning that I made my decision: the only person who can help me get out of this depressed place is me. I know it involves Steve, but also know that Steve has the weight of the world on his shoulders - our world. And he constantly puts pressure on himself to get it all done. I think it is this pressure that stagnates his focus and makes him miserable. The last thing I want to do is contribute to making him miserable.

He is doing a great job. The way he deals and discusses my cancer with me brings me great comfort. However, for the betterment of our home life, I need to take more responsibility for making myself happy. For example, for a while now, I have craved some grand romantic gesture, generated by Steve, without my knowledge or input. What I am realizing is that Steve finishing our house projects which have enabled so much positive change in our living space, is a romantic gesture. I am more thrilled by the day with the new look/function of our home and this new viewpoint is a more realistic expectation, I think.

Also, I do a lot of sitting on my couch. I tell myself that I do not have the strength to do much more. Maybe this is true; maybe this is not necessarily the case all of the time. I am not saying I can go for a six mile walk, but maybe sitting in the sunshine reading a book would change my state of mind. I guess what I am saying is that I think I could be happier, if I was more productive.

So my reason for not feeling good right now? Probably because I worked for four hours on the house on Saturday as a family. We also went to OB yesterday for breakfast and to check out the surf, post Chilean earthquake. We walked around for nearly three hours. It felt great. It felt normal. Of course, had I come home and rested, I may have felt a little better this morning. However, feeling as "normal" as I did, there were a hundred other little tasks thought I should do. (I also had an MRI of my brain yesterday. No results yet but hopefully soon.)

All in all, I am physically exhausted today, but mentally, I think I am happier. I know a lot has to get done on the house this week and some of it needs my input; we have sports every night; and, there will be rather large homework demands due to Maddie's biography report being due and as Harrison continues to make-up school work missed last week. I am thinking I can handle it; not in the same fashion that I may have six months ago - I will be slow; I will need naps. Maybe that is OK. As long as I am being honest with myself about how productive I can be at any given time, I think I can meet my own expectations. Then, we will all be happier.

Click here to link to the video we shot a the beach yesterday. Gorgeous day, happy memory!