R.I.P Steve Jobs

Yesterday, I was greatly affected by the passing of Steve Jobs at age 56. While his cancer is completely different than mine, I had been following his story closely as he fought for his life publicly and privately. He was an amazing man. Brilliant man, whose ideas impacted probably more technology than we even realize, as I have no doubt that many, many of today's technological geniuses were inspired by his work.

All that being said, selfishly, the thought that keeps ringing through my brain, like a school bell calling students to class, loud and clear is: "God, I hope I live to be 56." Not to trivialize his fight. Not to make it about me, at all, but at age 40 with one chemo treatment unsuccessfully tested and my tumors still growing (even ever so slightly), I am scared.

For the past 12 hours, I have been struggling with whether to write this entry in my blog. I have been struggling with who might read this and be upset. Most importantly, I have been struggling with how to turn the negative connotation of living to age 56 into a positive affirmation. Truthfully, what I want to tell myself and by doing so putting into the universe, "I am completely healthy. My body will rid itself of cancer and I will live a long and fruitful life."

I thought that maybe if I wrote this in my blog, I would be one step closer to resolving my conflicted emotions. Maybe.

I have been reading so many wonderful quotes that Steve Jobs exclaimed during his career at Apple. I think my favorite was posted on my cousin Melissa's FaceBook page. It reads:

"Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma —which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

In my heart of hearts, I know that my time is not limited any more so than the person who sits on my left or my right. Moreover, worrying about what kind of time that I have left is a waste of energy and will impair my struggle.

Now, if I could just get my brain wrapped around that......

How Are You?

Home sick for the past couple of days I got to thinking that I have missed some obvious opportunities to compose entries for my blog. I cannot even tell you that I remember what they are, because my memory is not my strong suit these days. However, as I put together my family photo collage that I am hoping to use for our Christmas card this year, I started to think about my supporters, confidants and friends, and my intermittent lack of connection through my blog entries.

So, how are you? This is what really crossed my mind. Lovely people have posted comments to this blog. Some of them that I know and some that I do not. Like the friend you never knew that you had, I came to rely on these comments to help boost my confidence and on those days when I felt a little lonely or lost. They reminded me to stay positive. Even though my writing portrayed my positive outlook, I did not and still do not always feel that way. Comments on my blog were the reassurance I needed to help me through difficult moments.

So, I guess what I am trying to say is THANK YOU!

As far as what is going on with me physically, this weekend I have been sick. A winter cold. I fell ice skating a couple of weeks back and bruised my tailbone, too. I am still nursing that injury. My left breast is ready for reconstructive surgery. Though, surgery has been postponed until March for personal reasons. It is hard as a rock though, full of saline and ready for implant. My husband and I laugh about how it just sort of sits there, not moving or wiggling. (Sorry, if that is too much information!)

I also have discovered lately that I am physically very weak. Combined with the fact that my balance is a bit off, I am being more careful than ever. I recently joined the YMCA and am planning to start rectify this, while my daughter attends gymnastics at the same facility. I think yoga might be good for me as well, so I am working on finding time and a class for that.

My Christmas shopping is nearly complete and I am more organized than I have ever been in this respect. Maybe it is just because I am appreciating the holidays a little more? Not that I never did appreciate them, I am just sayin'.....

My kids are participating in their Christmas programs at their elementary school this week and last. I remember being at those performances this time last year, waiting for my hair to fall out from chemo, wondering if the next person who shuffled behind me to find their seat and bumped the back of my head would make it so. I remember it so clearly. It is so nice to have hair again. And a lot of it.

Anyway, I am truly having a joyful Holiday season. Who better to share it with than you all? Thank you for always being there for me this year. Thank you for reading my blog. I am truly honored.

RIP Elizabeth Edwards

I do not follow the news as I should. I rarely follow politics. Only enough to keep up in conversations and about issues that are important to me around voting time.

So, when following the John Edwards presidential campaign in 2008, I have to admit I did not know a lot about the guy. I thought he was fairly handsome. I thought it was remarkable that he had young children. I vaguely remember hearing of Elizabeth Edward's breast cancer diagnosis. I also vaguely remember her cancer fight seeming minimally affective on her husband's political aspirations. I do not know that I had an opinion one way or another. My memory does not work like that. People's ailments were not something I understood or thought much about until I got sick, selfish as that probably sounds.

Yet, recent news of Ms. Edward's decision to stop treatment followed immediately by her death has affected me greatly. I have read several blog posts. I have heard the news. I have searched for her diagnosis to see if it matches mine. I have searched for the timeline of her treatments. I know the obvious - just because Elizabeth Edwards suffered a cancer re-occurrence does not mean that I will. I hope not.

I just think to myself, "Self, you are so lucky."

Then I think some more. I think of the tears her family must have cried through out their journey - because it was their journey. I think of the fear that must have plagued them for all of the little and big symptoms and side effects that they endured together. I wonder how much her children knew and when they knew it. I think all of these terrible thoughts. I am raw with them, as if they were mine. And I cry for the moments that cancer stole from this family and for the pain it inflicted.

I hope these children find beauty in their mother's fight. I hope they feel her strength encircling them. Her outstretched arms never further away than a warm summer breeze or the quiet reflection of the rain. I bet they do. I bet they find that and so much more. They deserve so much more.

I am inspired by Elizabeth Edwards. Not just by her sensationalized fight against the ravage beast that took her body, but by her spirit. A mother with young children. A fighter, an activist, an intellect and an expert Lego construction helper to her children. I am sad for her family. I am afraid for mine to.

The cancer is something I cannot control. Should it be lying in wait for me, I will go on. Thank you Ms. Edwards. Thank your for leaving your legacy of strength behind. Thank you for reminding me just how fragile we are....and that sometimes, no matter how hard we fight, we do not win. I am awake now. I am a survivor. I plan to keep it that way.

Radiation, Week Three

Radiation, week three - check! I am tired. Very, very tired. My skin is starting to show some signs of trauma - just really small bumps right underneath my collar bone. At least, the weekend will give my skin a little time to recover. At the beginning of the week, I was trying to go to bed early - like before the kids. Towards the end, I did not fair as well, in that respect.

I am really trying not to let radiation get the best of me. I was sad to miss my friend's birthday party this week and since, vowed not to let the fact that I am tired limit my participation in the important things. However, I recognize that I need rest, so I will not be a cranky mommy and also, in order to be productive at work. It is just a balancing game, like anything else. It is a game that I am winning!

At work yesterday, I had one of my most productive days in a long time, completing one grant, one letter of intent, two signed grant agreements and communicating with two other of my most favorite/prominent donors. I remind myself that a day like that would have made me tired regardles of receiving radiation treatments. It has been a busy work week, but I found that it helped me to not dwell on my physical symptoms.

The best part about this week is the surprise visit from my great friend and college roommate, who contacted me Monday just to see if we were going to be around, should she and her family come to San Diego. Great fun. Today, one of my other college roommates will be in town with her family. A complete coincidence - what an awesome treat for me! Our kids get along famously, which makes it even more special. And the fun continues, culminating with a trip to Legoland this coming Tuesday.

Just as fun as all this though has been watching the World Cup with my son/family. I love the way Harrison gets so excited to watch the games. The US played at 7:00 a.m. this past Wednesday. We woke up at 6:58 and it was like we were late for Disneyland or something, with Harrison rushing to find his US soccer jersey in order to watch the game in our own living room.

And my daugther? She is not as excited about the World Cup. Though she did lose her two front teeth this week. A right of passage, in her mind. She is too cute for words sometimes.

So radiation will ensue on Monday. I am trying to stay positive. This past week, I have had quite a lot of help. Next week, I know I will find another avenue of distraction, whether it be World Cup, Legoland and/or a good book. I am winning the game! July 13, my last day of radiation, is just around the corner. The countdown is on!