My First Public Speech about Me

Last night, I spoke at a dinner to about 150 participants of the Pink, Pink, Pink Golf Tournament at Riverwalk Golf Club. This was my first public speech about my breast cancer; my first time speaking in a public venue of this sort, in general. I had no doubt in my mind that I could do it, figuring that if I can present a grant award for celebration to 100 Hospital managers (at work), I could accomplish anything.

I also am quite comfortable sharing my story. Last night, what was interesting to me was the fact that when I was asked about why I share so much, I was not able to answer. I have always felt that more good has come to me from openly sharing my breast cancer journey. I learn more, more people offer to help, I meet more people, and the list goes on. However, when stating these reasons aloud, I suddenly felt very selfish. Has my blog gone too far in telling people what they want to hear in order, in order to draw more to myself?

Not something I have shared in my blog, truth be told, I have had a really rough couple of weeks. In my blog, I try to remain positive, believing strongly that documenting anything negative is a waste of energy and too hard for people to read.  A couple of the topics that I did not write about are as follows.

1.  I was in the hospital last week with an infection stemming from my picc line. It was really scary and I had to miss my regularly scheduled chemo. I am fine now. My arm is healing. I am a little upset with the nurses who were supposed to be caring for my picc line and am wondering how I knew something was wrong when they did not. The picc line is out now; I have a scheduled port placement on October 27.
2. The Taxol did not work. I know, I did write about this. However, it was not until the end of the week last week that I started to admit how scared I really am. Crying on my mom's shoulder, and then again to my brother felt good. Again, I do not like to talk about these feelings....so I you may never here me utter a word after this blog post. I stand firm in my belief that it is a waste of good energy to talk to the world about being scared, but in the safety of my own home, I am learning it is OK.
3. My emotions have been hiding in my food choices. Yes, I still have my green smoothie every morning. However, lately, I have been more apt to make bad food choices, which I have paid for both physically and mentally, beating myself for feeding the cancer acidic food.

Sharing my story last night, along with my emotions this weekend, I think things might be turning around for me, however. It was such a pleasure and a joy to meet the fantastic people who played in the Pink, Pink, Pink Golf Tournament, benefiting the Komen Race for the Cure, San Diego. Thanks to the good work of Monica Davis (General Manager), the Riverwalk staff, and generous sponsors, they raised more than $3,000. I am especially honored to say that they are going to credit it to team, Racing for Marsi. Believe me when I say that this is very unexpected.

Moreover, the standing ovation of the crowd last night brought tears to my eyes. Having my family, parents and brother (Kelly, you were missed!) beside me made the night truly special.

My mental state might not be entirely back on track, but I am confident that it will get there, one day at a time.