Cancerversary: November 12, Two Years

Cancerversary,
Yesterday was mine.
Two years, gone like 10,
Body torn and insides blind.

The day came and went,
Without celebration and cheer.
For I am still fighting,
Fighting harder this year.

Overwhelmed is my mind,
Good days are few.
Cancer teaches nothing,
Yet everything is anew.

I learn every day.
Myself, I am still exploring,
For I am as much the mystery,
As this senseless disease, imploring.

But what I have learned,
I value so dear.
Not ashamed to admit now,
I live every day with fear.

Not ashamed to cry,
Tears stream like a sheath,
Like pages of a book,
Giving way to light beneath.

My light shines brightly.
My soul tells all.
My strength is growing.
My light brightens tall.

Love is the answer,
To this silly game.
He will love me through it,
The line behind him, not vane.

God, family and friends,
Will not let us fall.
Blessed are we on this day.
Cancerversary, and all.

Dizziness

My dizziness radiates,
From behind my eyes.
A light spinning,
That I recognize.

For it comes with being epileptic,
A side effect of those meds.
My entire life suffered,
Seizures feared instead.

Instead of the cancer,
Which now riddles me so,
The dizziness, almost a comfort,
My sight suffers, although.

I hold onto railings,
Cancel all driving, indeed.
To let the dizziness pass.
I have kids to feed.

They do not know how I suffer,
For their day to run smooth.
They do not look in my eyes,
Pupils dazed and un-soothed.

Rest is the answer,
Sleep should do the trick.
Meds can be monitored,
To let my body heal quick.

Today is my journey,
Nothing is more true.
Making the best of each moment,
Dizziness aside, each day anew.

Counting Hours

I used to count minutes til lunch,
Or sometimes until happy hour.
I used to count days until vacation,
Or time, kids aflowered.

Now, I look at the clock,
Tortured, it stares back at me,
Counting the hours and minutes,
Until the next medicine is free.

Sometimes they go fast,
Sometimes oh, so slow.
Never a rhyme nor a reason,
To predict, undecidedly so.

Sometimes it is relief from nausea,
Sometimes it is relief from pain,
Sometimes it is counting the hours,
Until my chemo drug is taken again.

When not counting the hours,
I am counting the days,
Until my next infusion,
The next battle remains.

For it is all for the good,
All fighting for one,
I pray for an end to the cycle,
I pray for a cure, coming undone.

For I can count hours,
And I can count days,
But life slips through my fingers,
Me on the sideline, sideways.

Hope is my confidante,
Grace holds my peace,
Working towards a balance,
Working to end my disease.

Waiting for Test Results

My body knows a secret,
Privy, not is my mind.
Status of cells shrinking,
Or growing, unkind.

Status of cancer,
And side affects wherein,
Chemo taking its tole,
Tokens collected, within.

Minds are racing,
Even a kiss from my son,
Secret spoiled in minutes,
Wondering, "Have we won?"

"Have we beat this monster?"
"Will we beat it, true?"
Family emotions tied together,
A knot, tight, bound through.

Doctor knows the secret,
His office awaits.
Morning will crawl.
Until we know fate.

Medicine only offers,
A single aspect of care,
Depending on my body,
For help, to take us where,

We can find some answers,
We can learn from within,
Finding treasures in spirit,
Finding strength among the din.

Faith, we have plenty.
Love, boutiful and pure,
Holding onto both,
Promise health and a cure.

He Sleeps

He has no worries,
While he sleeps.
Life is normal,
While he sleeps.

I'm awake with the birds,
While he sleeps.
I toss, turn and arise,
While he sleeps.

My turn to worry,
While he sleeps.
My chance to weep,
While he sleeps.

Coffee made, dishes done,
While he sleeps.
My dog at my side,
While he sleeps.

Kids awaken, sharing the day,
While he sleeps.
The days wears on,
And, I will sleep.

He wishes for healing,
While I sleep.
Understanding my struggle,
While I sleep.

He frets, sometimes weeps,
While I sleep.
Future unsure yet certain,
While I sleep.

Grading papers, hard at work,
While I sleep.
Lights turned off, house locked up,
While I sleep.

Exhausted and worn,
While I sleep,
He falls into bed,
While I sleep.

He holds my hand.

Chemo Calls My Pillow

Chemo calls my pillow,
Not much I can do.
Choices to make.
Decisions, thoughts of you.

Physical limitations,
Around every turn,
No pool, no meat,
Events skipped, I learn.

What do I skip?
Navigation is key.
Disappointment imminent,
Pains hearts, daily.

Gets to my soul,
Guarded and fair.
But happy reflections and hope,
Conquer sadness, in there.

It is the moments I fight for,
Surface thoughts so true,
Managing frustration,
Grieving, anew.

Positivity, so critical,
I banish sad thoughts.
Faith, hope and trust,
Tying their knots.

My friends lend affection,
And my family is my wall.
Protecting and reminding me,
It is OK to fall.

Into a sleep that is so needed,
A rest that is well deserved.
As I fight off this monster,
Called cancer, absurd.

Crying While No One is Watching

Nearly 18 months have passed,
Surviving this long.
So much determination,
So much, so strong.

But when the house gets quiet,
The lights dimmed low.
I cry while no one is watching,
Sometimes hard, sometimes slow.

I cry for my body,
Now tattered and scorn.
I cry for the decisions I've faced,
At times, frightful and forlorn.

I cry for my husband,
And the stress he has faced.
My children, so resilient,
Smiling with grace.

I cry for my parents,
And the rest of my family too.
I can only guess what it feels like,
To watch your child go through.

I cry for those who have gone before me,
Some surviving, some not.
My sisters in this disease,
Too many, hard fought.

My crying makes it hard,
On those who surround me.
So I reserve the tears,
And hold on to fear tightly.

For as a mother, a wife,
A sister, cousin, colleague and friend.
I know you are there.
But, I'm not willing to bend.

From the strength you hold high,
Regarding my truth.
You cling to so dearly,
Your passion is proof.

So, I cry while no one is watching,
Watching others cry too.
Knowing deep down that it's almost over,
One more day, then I am through.

One last surgery,
One last scar.
Hopeful, excited and scared,
Knowing exactly how far.

How far I have been.
How you've been there too.
Thank you, my friends.
Thank you, thank you.

So is the journey really ending?
Most definitely not.
My cancer journey is though,
One last shot.

Glimpsing life after cancer,
Normalcy returning,
My journey moving forward,
Wheels of life turning.

....And no more crying when no one is watching....