Still here...through it all, I am still here. I am still healthy. I am happy, most of the time. Life is getting back to normal. As normal as I will ever be. BUT who wants to strive for 'normal' anyway? Exceptional is more like it.
The good news is that my bone scan was clean. Not sure what is wrong with my liver. I am guessing that it will regenerate and its minor malfunction is just a result of being beaten within in an inch of its life by the poisons otherwise known as chemo drugs.
My plastic surgeon has signed off...or at least given me the summer off. Unfortunately, my implant on my right side has slipped a bit, causing a gradually growing divot running along the inside of my reconstructed breast. I understand that it is a result of my skin being radiated and is nothing that cannot be fixed. The procedure will save for the Fall, when I have some sick time saved up at work and summer fun is over.
All being said, I am off to the gym, by way of taking my girl to gymnastics....one of my 'normal' routines that I truly enjoy. I have missed you all and hope you are all doing well.
Showing posts with label breast reconstruction. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breast reconstruction. Show all posts
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Crying While No One is Watching
Nearly 18 months have passed,
Surviving this long.
So much determination,
So much, so strong.
But when the house gets quiet,
The lights dimmed low.
I cry while no one is watching,
Sometimes hard, sometimes slow.
I cry for my body,
Now tattered and scorn.
I cry for the decisions I've faced,
At times, frightful and forlorn.
I cry for my husband,
And the stress he has faced.
My children, so resilient,
Smiling with grace.
I cry for my parents,
And the rest of my family too.
I can only guess what it feels like,
To watch your child go through.
I cry for those who have gone before me,
Some surviving, some not.
My sisters in this disease,
Too many, hard fought.
My crying makes it hard,
On those who surround me.
So I reserve the tears,
And hold on to fear tightly.
For as a mother, a wife,
A sister, cousin, colleague and friend.
I know you are there.
But, I'm not willing to bend.
From the strength you hold high,
Regarding my truth.
You cling to so dearly,
Your passion is proof.
So, I cry while no one is watching,
Watching others cry too.
Knowing deep down that it's almost over,
One more day, then I am through.
One last surgery,
One last scar.
Hopeful, excited and scared,
Knowing exactly how far.
How far I have been.
How you've been there too.
Thank you, my friends.
Thank you, thank you.
So is the journey really ending?
Most definitely not.
My cancer journey is though,
One last shot.
Glimpsing life after cancer,
Normalcy returning,
My journey moving forward,
Wheels of life turning.
....And no more crying when no one is watching....
Surviving this long.
So much determination,
So much, so strong.
But when the house gets quiet,
The lights dimmed low.
I cry while no one is watching,
Sometimes hard, sometimes slow.
I cry for my body,
Now tattered and scorn.
I cry for the decisions I've faced,
At times, frightful and forlorn.
I cry for my husband,
And the stress he has faced.
My children, so resilient,
Smiling with grace.
I cry for my parents,
And the rest of my family too.
I can only guess what it feels like,
To watch your child go through.
I cry for those who have gone before me,
Some surviving, some not.
My sisters in this disease,
Too many, hard fought.
My crying makes it hard,
On those who surround me.
So I reserve the tears,
And hold on to fear tightly.
For as a mother, a wife,
A sister, cousin, colleague and friend.
I know you are there.
But, I'm not willing to bend.
From the strength you hold high,
Regarding my truth.
You cling to so dearly,
Your passion is proof.
So, I cry while no one is watching,
Watching others cry too.
Knowing deep down that it's almost over,
One more day, then I am through.
One last surgery,
One last scar.
Hopeful, excited and scared,
Knowing exactly how far.
How far I have been.
How you've been there too.
Thank you, my friends.
Thank you, thank you.
So is the journey really ending?
Most definitely not.
My cancer journey is though,
One last shot.
Glimpsing life after cancer,
Normalcy returning,
My journey moving forward,
Wheels of life turning.
....And no more crying when no one is watching....
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Road to Reconstruction
I went to see my plastic surgeon this week to review the last details of my surgery and receive the last fill of my expander. I have requested that my surgery occur in March but also listed my preference as after March 15. This will better coincide with Steve and the kids' Spring Break.
My doctor also added another 100 cc's to my expander, which now contains 450 cc's. For the first time, it hurts. I guess, I should not say that it hurts, but it is fairly uncomfortable. I know that I can have cc's taken out to relieve the pressure. However, I am reluctant to do so as I am a bit tired of going to doctor appointments. Having cc's taken out would add two more appointments to the docket--one appointment to take fluid out and one to add it back.
In case I have not explained the process, my expander is held in position by muscle, its purpose being to expand the muscle and skin slowly in order to hold the future implant. They add anywhere between 50-100 cc's of saline to the expander with every visit, spacing my visits about three weeks apart. It feels a bit like getting your braces tightened.
Unlike many friends that I have met on my journey, these expansions have never bothered me. Watching my the expansion on my chest grow into something that looks like a breast has been kind of like watching Christmas presents multiply under the Christmas tree as Christmas approaches. Now, fully expanded to the size of an actual breast, I am excited but yet feel more like that pregnant mother whose baby is two weeks overdue.
It think what bothers me the most is the combination of its size and hardness. The thing is as hard as a rock. I move, it does not. When I sleep, the only way I can get comfortable is on my back--and I am a side sleeper. That being said, I always wake up in the middle of the night sore, having rolled onto my side while sleeping.
I suppose, this will all get easier as by body adjusts to this most recent expansion. However, I know it is not getting any softer. My plastic surgeon has assured me that by new breast will feel nothing like its current substitute. Thank goodness!
That being said, I am just keeping my eye on the prize and trying not to think too much about the actual surgery itself because I am really not looking forward to adding another scar to a different part of my body. But this is another blog entry, altogether.
I really do not mean for this blog to sound negative. Actually, I am in a fairly good place right now. I am busy with work and the kids, enjoying most aspects of the crazy, busy lifestyle we have made for ourselves. The kids sports are gearing up as they usually do this time of year, with their participation in soccer, baseball, softball and gymnastics, all running at the same time. They are growing and learning so fast, I do not want to miss any of it. Work is busy but rewarding, as I continue to adjust sans a more hands-on supervisor. Life is good.
In closing, I am thankful every day that I survived cancer and the only thing I have to complain about is a rock-hard, fully filled expander on the left side of my chest. And what I have not mentioned is my excitment of having a breast on my right side again. No more prosthetic, yay!!!!! My road to recontruction is coming to a close and I could not be happier.
My doctor also added another 100 cc's to my expander, which now contains 450 cc's. For the first time, it hurts. I guess, I should not say that it hurts, but it is fairly uncomfortable. I know that I can have cc's taken out to relieve the pressure. However, I am reluctant to do so as I am a bit tired of going to doctor appointments. Having cc's taken out would add two more appointments to the docket--one appointment to take fluid out and one to add it back.
In case I have not explained the process, my expander is held in position by muscle, its purpose being to expand the muscle and skin slowly in order to hold the future implant. They add anywhere between 50-100 cc's of saline to the expander with every visit, spacing my visits about three weeks apart. It feels a bit like getting your braces tightened.
Unlike many friends that I have met on my journey, these expansions have never bothered me. Watching my the expansion on my chest grow into something that looks like a breast has been kind of like watching Christmas presents multiply under the Christmas tree as Christmas approaches. Now, fully expanded to the size of an actual breast, I am excited but yet feel more like that pregnant mother whose baby is two weeks overdue.
It think what bothers me the most is the combination of its size and hardness. The thing is as hard as a rock. I move, it does not. When I sleep, the only way I can get comfortable is on my back--and I am a side sleeper. That being said, I always wake up in the middle of the night sore, having rolled onto my side while sleeping.
I suppose, this will all get easier as by body adjusts to this most recent expansion. However, I know it is not getting any softer. My plastic surgeon has assured me that by new breast will feel nothing like its current substitute. Thank goodness!
That being said, I am just keeping my eye on the prize and trying not to think too much about the actual surgery itself because I am really not looking forward to adding another scar to a different part of my body. But this is another blog entry, altogether.
I really do not mean for this blog to sound negative. Actually, I am in a fairly good place right now. I am busy with work and the kids, enjoying most aspects of the crazy, busy lifestyle we have made for ourselves. The kids sports are gearing up as they usually do this time of year, with their participation in soccer, baseball, softball and gymnastics, all running at the same time. They are growing and learning so fast, I do not want to miss any of it. Work is busy but rewarding, as I continue to adjust sans a more hands-on supervisor. Life is good.
In closing, I am thankful every day that I survived cancer and the only thing I have to complain about is a rock-hard, fully filled expander on the left side of my chest. And what I have not mentioned is my excitment of having a breast on my right side again. No more prosthetic, yay!!!!! My road to recontruction is coming to a close and I could not be happier.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
To a Grapefruit
My expander was filled with 100 more cc's of saline yesterday. Or as Steve put it, "It went from the size of an orange to the size of a grapefruit." As I am writing this, it occurs to me that I do not know quite what to call "it". It is not quite a breast in my mind. It is more like a section of skin that is slowly expanding with every visit to the plastic surgeon.
I will say that it makes me happy to have "something" on my chest big enough that matches the size of my prosthetic, which I have resumed wearing. Wearing my prosthetic means I get to wear my pretty bras from Nordstrom's. I know my women friends understand: pretty bras just make you feel more feminine.
So, to the surgery....This week, Dr. Scott officially filed paperwork for my reconstruction. He estimates up to a six month wait, but at the same time, was fairly confident that I would be able to have surgery in March 2011. This is my goal month: far enough away from summer to where I will be fully recovered for our family vacation yet after State Cup, when Harrison will end his soccer season. Of note, I am making special dispensation for State Cup, as it involves at least one weekend of travel. Since we have never been, I did not want Steve to be in a position to have to go it alone. (Plus, I heard the parents have just as much fun as the kids do....and I do not want to miss out!)
I chose my implant: gel. Also, known as the "gummy bear" type. We talked about my options for surgery again. I am confident. I have one more fill on my expander to go, unless we decide to over fill. It still does not hurt or cause me any discomfort.
Finally, Dr. Scott and I spoke of my plan to run a half marathon in February. He is 110% behind the idea as he feels that people who have been through what I have been through desire a sense of physical accomplishment. That, and he agrees that my training will help prepare me for surgery, which will be my most painful, trying surgery to date.
I can hardly wait for both. Today, I am nursing the start of what could be shin splints. I used to run on the Cross Country team in high school, so I am familiar. They worry me a bit.....but I hear that a lot of stretching will help to curtail their painful affects. I will keep you posted....grapefruit and all........
I will say that it makes me happy to have "something" on my chest big enough that matches the size of my prosthetic, which I have resumed wearing. Wearing my prosthetic means I get to wear my pretty bras from Nordstrom's. I know my women friends understand: pretty bras just make you feel more feminine.
So, to the surgery....This week, Dr. Scott officially filed paperwork for my reconstruction. He estimates up to a six month wait, but at the same time, was fairly confident that I would be able to have surgery in March 2011. This is my goal month: far enough away from summer to where I will be fully recovered for our family vacation yet after State Cup, when Harrison will end his soccer season. Of note, I am making special dispensation for State Cup, as it involves at least one weekend of travel. Since we have never been, I did not want Steve to be in a position to have to go it alone. (Plus, I heard the parents have just as much fun as the kids do....and I do not want to miss out!)
I chose my implant: gel. Also, known as the "gummy bear" type. We talked about my options for surgery again. I am confident. I have one more fill on my expander to go, unless we decide to over fill. It still does not hurt or cause me any discomfort.
Finally, Dr. Scott and I spoke of my plan to run a half marathon in February. He is 110% behind the idea as he feels that people who have been through what I have been through desire a sense of physical accomplishment. That, and he agrees that my training will help prepare me for surgery, which will be my most painful, trying surgery to date.
I can hardly wait for both. Today, I am nursing the start of what could be shin splints. I used to run on the Cross Country team in high school, so I am familiar. They worry me a bit.....but I hear that a lot of stretching will help to curtail their painful affects. I will keep you posted....grapefruit and all........
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)