This morning I awoke with words floating through my head and I guessed it was about time I write in my blog. My laptop is still under construction; So, I am struggling through with Steve's. The keys feel foreign to me and I am not sure it it is because it is 4:30 in the morning or because the keys seem to sit slightly on the left than where they do on my lap top. Either way, I am struggling.
For those who have not already guessed, I have also been struggling with depression as of late. I think it all started when I broke down and told my mom that I should not be going on our DisneyWorld trip, guessing that I was too weak. I was, but I also knew that a lot of people had put a lot of energy into the trip, Even more than that, I wanted this trip for my kids. I wanted them to be carefree, for me and Steve to be reminded what that felt like and to make those memories. I had it all built up in my head and felt trapped. I was going.
Carefree did not happen. I ended up in the hospital for three days upon our arrival. Extremely dehydrated, with a possible intestinal blockage. While in the hospital, I was told I was crazy and given a brain CT to make sure my cancer had not spread. It was a bad experience, but yet it was needed, as I was discharged hydrated and functioning.
The rest of the trip proceeded, but I still found myself weak and unnerved to be in a wheelchair. Granted, it was needed. We saw Harry Potter World and I rested in First Aid for three hours while Steve and the kids went and drenched themselves on this ride or the other. Steve and the kids went to DisneyWorld the next day without me, we rested the day after and went to Epcot Center for the last day. We did have a lovely time at Epcot and I did not even have to rest in First Aid.
Upon return from our trip, doctor's appointments and chemo awaited. I was exhausted, but also knew that chemo had waited long enough. This particular chemo caused horrible nausea. I was not holding food down or only in very small doses. As I recovered and I am really still working on it, this is where the depression really started to hit. And I did not have too far to fall. I always try to remind myself that I did not ask to be a stage four cancer patient. I cannot blame myself for what my family goes through with me. Easier said than done.
Still, I have not want to do anything, respond to anything,or even get off my couch. It is a strange feeling for me that I am learning to deal with. I am getting help now. And I do not want all to think this an open invitation to call and check on me. I would rather not answer. Right now, I just need my time to process. And I will. And that will be that.