Monday, April 9, 2012

No Good Reason to Post

......Other than I feel like it. Quite a change from recently, when I have had to convince to myself to post. Truth be told, I have not been feeling that well. My stomach has been bothering me and I am not sure why. Mainly, a weird sort of nausea, light pain. They took a bunch of blood from me on Saturday. The tests are not back yet.

I walked the dog twice today - once by myself, once with the family. We are getting to my favorite part of the year where the days are long and the evening hours seem extended. Going for a walk tonight with the family was wonderful. Our dog has been overfed/under exercised for some time two walks for him is great. He needs it. The fresh air was good for all of us.

I am finding myself missing my friends lately. I enjoy reading blog posts by a couple of them. It makes me feel closer to them, at least. My missing them is compounded by the fact that I am not feeling like doing anything about it. Feeling the way that I do is miserable. Eating feels like a chore. I really miss my appetite. I miss food cravings and pigging out on ice cream or pizza. In general, I was telling Steve today that I feel similar to the way I felt when we were in Florida and I was admitted to the hospital. Don't get me wrong, I do not think I need to be admitted to the hospital. I am confident that the blood work submitted is enough. I just feel so crummy. Which is the perfect time for FaceBook and Twitter. They keep me connected to you all and make me smile.

I was also touched by a new connection I made with a distant relative of Steve's. She found me by way of and my blog. She sent me a very kind email and I look forward to making a new friend.

Other than that, my daughter brought home a marvelous report card. Probably the best I have ever seen from either of my children while in elementary school. My kids were on Spring Break last week and I have to say I enjoyed every moment of it. What great kids I have. So helpful. So genuine. I was really impressed. Is it wrong to be impressed by your own kids and share it with the world? I hope not.

So, I am rambling now. So I will have to cut this post here. Thank you all for listening and being "here" for me. I really appreciate you all.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

An Update

In spite of my post from yesterday, today I am proud to say that I took the dog on a short walk and folded a load of laundry! My daughter helped with both. The walk was a short one and the load of laundry was a light one....and now I am exhausted. However, after the tone of my post from yesterday, I felt I owed you all an update as today I was able to "move more". I wish I could say that I knew what caused the change but for now, I am just going to bask in my accomplishments for the day and hope I have enough energy to take the kids to the movies this afternoon.

Thanks for reading my blog, all. It really means the world to me.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

No Chemo Again

On Monday, I was not able to have chemotherapy again. My platelet count was too low. I like that I can say "was" because I trust it is on its way back up. How does this affect me? I bruise very easily and have to be careful not to cut myself because my body's ability to clot has been stolen by the chemo. Since I do not move around very much, this is generally not a problem.

Which is another problem in itself: I do not move around very much. I miss having energy. I am currently anemic. Yesterday, when working in my daughter's bedroom, I had an allergy attack, which really turned into what I imagine an asthmatic goes through. My chest felt really heavy and stillness was my only comfort. Luckily, I have a medicine for that too. An inhaler that I keep stashed away in my bathroom drawer for such occasions. It helped some....but my anemic tendencies seemed to win out.

Seems like I have a medicine for everything these days. I wonder what my body would feel like without any drugs in my system sometimes. Generally, I take the most meds in the morning and at night for that is when the nausea bother me the most. Sometimes, during the day, I purposefully do not take anything out of protest and figuring whatever symptom may be bothering me, I can sleep off.

However, this brings me back to the fact that I am not moving much. A couple of weeks ago, I was out to dinner with some friends and one of my friends was speaking about a conversation he had with his doctor about his cholesterol levels. The doctor had told him that the best solution was to "move more". I cannot help but think that this may help me too. Every day, I try to find the motivation to do so. Even if it just means getting up to do the dishes or walking upstairs to check on the kids or folding a load of laundry. "Move more" is a concept I understand, just not able/willing to follow through on. Most the time I am not sure which.

I try not to be too hard on myself, knowing that the fact that I have stage four cancer is a fight that is hard for any physical being. However, from time to time, I wonder if I use it as an excuse. Anyone in their right mind probably I cannot be to hard on myself for that either. Still, as time goes on, I find it hard to distinguish between what is an excuse and my actual physical abilities. Generally not strong enough to do much of anything, my body loses muscle every day. I am pretty sure that my feet have shrunk a half size, my traditionally over-muscular calves seem thinner in my boots and I am just all around smaller. I really enjoy wearing the smaller sizes, mind you. I am just not happy how I got here.

In a recent conversation about him feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work it takes to run our household (which he does most of), I recommended my husband learn to appreciate what he is accomplishing rather letting what he is not accomplishing overwhelm him. It seems like I should heed my own advice. I should celebrate the fact that I helped my daughter sort through her hundreds of stuffed animals and go through a mountain of clothes. And other accomplishments of the like. And accomplishing said tasks does make me feel good. However. truth be told, it is the small chores that I miss. Menial tasks like doing dishes and taking a shower now strike a debate in my head. Do I have the energy now or should I nap first? Or will I have time to nap after? If I eat now, will I still feel nauseous and/or will my dizziness subside? Maybe if I eat now, I will have the energy to shower. Thoughts of the sort are commonplace.

So I know that the fact that I skipped chemo this week help a bit in this debate. I will have more energy. I just hope that my next scan does not reflect my missed chemo. I can only hope.....

Sunday, April 1, 2012

April Fool's

Today is April Fool's Day. Though, it does not seem like a day for fooling anyone. In fact, we are in deep, cleaning our daughter's room in preparation for the new furniture we bought yesterday. Mind you, furniture we promised Maddie for her 8th birthday, September 29, 2011. So far, we have no fewer than six trash bags full of stuffed animals and pillows by our front door waiting for a Goodwill run. And more is coming. Hard to believe that much stuff was in her room. Poor girl.

Tomorrow, I will either have chemo or a blood transfusion. I honestly do not know which. Part of me thinks that since I have been feeling better than usual, I will be able to have chemo. Part of me believes that the proven pattern will stay the same and that my platelet count will go down again as will my RBC. Honestly, I think I would rather have chemo.

The last couple of days I have had periods of feeling back to normal but have also faced hours and hours of nausea. The nausea gets me good. It makes it hard for me to even tell when I am hungry and deters me from eating anything heavy. I guess this could be a good thing as I am now back in my size 8 in most clothes. Certainly not my preferred reason for diet....but it sure felt good to buy that two piece bathing suit last week! Now, I just need a tan.

So, as I start this new week. I am feeling a sense of accomplishment. Positive thoughts fill my mind and a joyful peace runs from my head to my tows. It feels so good to know we are finally starting/finishing Madison's room. Having that hanging over our heads made me feel guilty beyond belief. Now, I get to turn to another passion of mine, decorating. Let's hope I have the energy to do my girl certainly deserves it.

Have a great week, all!