Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Pushing Forward

I have sat down dozens of times over the past six months, ready to write and share my life with all of you, but I have not been able to do so.  Since Marsi past, a cloud has been in my head and I often feel lost, misguided, but mostly scarred. I have tried to express my feelings into words, but as ponder, my mind floods with doubt and confussion, making me feel weak, because I am still in so much pain. But today is a new day and I want to try. Today, I feel I can do this.  To outsmart the ghostly depression that looms over me and show Marsi that I will survive.

Daily, people tell me how shocked they are at how well I am adapting to the loss of my wife.  I am moving foward, but my smile is more like camoflage then a real reflection of how I am.  Often I just want to be alone, to hide and to dream back to better times.  I know this is not good for me, because often bitterness at god and anger at the world push through, and all I want to do is hide in my bubble of self pity and pain, but what good would that bring to me or my children.  This thought of my children and how they need me to be the strong one, is what pulls me through each day.  I am the role model for them, on how they are to react.  If I fall apart, so will they.  If I give up, so will they.  But if I remain strong and show them how to transpose this trajedy, they will know that they can survive, and with them, so will I.

So as I push forward, being strong for the kids, I am finding the strength I need for myself.  My family has been wonderful, as well as my increadible friends.  Please do not stop checking on me and offering help.  I feel that soon I will be able to start accepting your wonderful offers and life will begin to lend shape to my new future. I plan on enjoying all that life still has to offer and not cloud myself in a veil of sadness and depression.  This is what Marsi would want from me.  This is what her strength taught me.  Marsi and I had 18 years together and I look upon that time as a precious gift.  I choose not to focus on what could have been, because self pity and pain is a weakness.  But instead choose to cherish the life I have had and enjoy the life that is still to come. 

As I move forward, I would like to share my journey, much like Marsi shared hers.  Marsi started this blog to help women with cancer, find strength and comfort from someone who was on the same path.  My path forward is that of a husband alone, a widower, who lost his soul mate to cancer.  I can only hope that my words and journey foward can help others who have lost, find peace from their own pain and see the world as a beautiful place once again.

God Bless.