Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Pushing Forward

I have sat down dozens of times over the past six months, ready to write and share my life with all of you, but I have not been able to do so.  Since Marsi past, a cloud has been in my head and I often feel lost, misguided, but mostly scarred. I have tried to express my feelings into words, but as ponder, my mind floods with doubt and confussion, making me feel weak, because I am still in so much pain. But today is a new day and I want to try. Today, I feel I can do this.  To outsmart the ghostly depression that looms over me and show Marsi that I will survive.

Daily, people tell me how shocked they are at how well I am adapting to the loss of my wife.  I am moving foward, but my smile is more like camoflage then a real reflection of how I am.  Often I just want to be alone, to hide and to dream back to better times.  I know this is not good for me, because often bitterness at god and anger at the world push through, and all I want to do is hide in my bubble of self pity and pain, but what good would that bring to me or my children.  This thought of my children and how they need me to be the strong one, is what pulls me through each day.  I am the role model for them, on how they are to react.  If I fall apart, so will they.  If I give up, so will they.  But if I remain strong and show them how to transpose this trajedy, they will know that they can survive, and with them, so will I.

So as I push forward, being strong for the kids, I am finding the strength I need for myself.  My family has been wonderful, as well as my increadible friends.  Please do not stop checking on me and offering help.  I feel that soon I will be able to start accepting your wonderful offers and life will begin to lend shape to my new future. I plan on enjoying all that life still has to offer and not cloud myself in a veil of sadness and depression.  This is what Marsi would want from me.  This is what her strength taught me.  Marsi and I had 18 years together and I look upon that time as a precious gift.  I choose not to focus on what could have been, because self pity and pain is a weakness.  But instead choose to cherish the life I have had and enjoy the life that is still to come. 

As I move forward, I would like to share my journey, much like Marsi shared hers.  Marsi started this blog to help women with cancer, find strength and comfort from someone who was on the same path.  My path forward is that of a husband alone, a widower, who lost his soul mate to cancer.  I can only hope that my words and journey foward can help others who have lost, find peace from their own pain and see the world as a beautiful place once again.


God Bless.


--------Steven

6 comments:

  1. Steve,
    I have a hard time knowing how to be there for you, I know that words are not enough, but I am here and thinking of you often!
    Enjoy today :) Kim

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  2. Dearest Steve,
    You are being so strong, even when you don't feel it, because of your intense devotion to your children. God bless you every single day. You will survive and we are all awaiting your word re what we can do for you.
    Love'
    Karen Fox

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  3. Steve,
    Thank you for sharing this. I am sure that it is difficult to put into the words the sorrow that envelopes your world at this time. I just meet a man yesterday who lost his wife of 39 years. He, like you, misses her every day. And like you, recognizes that She, will's him to go on. I pray that as time moves on that the happy times will out way the sad. I cannot even begin to express my hope for you and your kids. I do know that this tragedy will unfold in to something greater then all of could ever imagine. But in the mean time; Know that there are many of us who love and care for you and perhaps that might make a small dent in fear and fog. Hugs and Blessings Bridget Barker-Wisner

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  4. I, too, have lost a soul mate to cancer years ago. It took me a long time before I began to join the world again. Give yourself time to heal, and continue to write this blog. It is healing for all of us. Bless you on your journey raising your two beautiful children. And, you are right, Marsi would want you to be happy and enjoy life. It may take some time, but you will succeed. I did.

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  5. Steve, you are an amazing husband, father and man. You have a hard shell with a broken heart. Your heart will never fully heal, but it will slowly mend. We are always here for you. If there is ever anything you need, PLEASE ask. I know Marsi is very proud of you and the steps you have taken. You have two amazingly strong children and that is because of you and Marsi! Live everyday to the fullest and if you ever need an ear, I will always be here for you. Love to you and your family. Love Andrea

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  6. maggie.danhakl@healthline.comApril 10, 2014 at 1:32 PM

    Hi Marsi,

    Healthline just designed a virtual guide of the effects of chemotherapy on the body. You can see the infographic here: http://www.healthline.com/health/cancer/effects-on-body

    This is valuable med-reviewed information that can help a person understand the side effects they are experiencing from their chemo treatment. I thought this would be of interest to your audience, and I’m writing to see if you would include this as a resource on your page: http://nip-it.blogspot.com/2011/07/chemo-picc-line-and-mothers-love.html

    If you do not believe this would be a good fit for a resource on your site, even sharing this on your social communities would be a great alternative to help get the word out.

    Thanks so much for taking the time to review. Please let me know your thoughts and if I can answer any questions for you.

    All the best,
    Maggie Danhakl • Assistant Marketing Manager
    p: 415-281-3124 f: 415-281-3199

    Healthline • The Power of Intelligent Health
    660 Third Street, San Francisco, CA 94107
    www.healthline.com | @Healthline | @HealthlineCorp

    About Us: corp.healthline.com

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