Surgery Tomorrow

Sorry I have not posted in a while. I have been enjoying my freedom from treatment and need to focus on my breasts (might as well call it what it is). My mom suggested that I write prior to my surgery tomorrow. I was on the fence about writing this entry but also know that this is the best way to keep all informed. So here it goes.

Tomorrow I am having a prophylactic mastectomy on my left side. They are also inserting what is called an expander at the same time that will prepare my chest to house the implant. (At a later surgery, I will receive the implant and they will completely reconstruct my right side.) I have mixed emotions. In the mirror last night, I could not even look at that breast, sitting innocently next to the scar where my cancer resided. I feel guilty for some reason. It occurs to me that maybe it is not as much guilt as it is fear. Now, I know how the left side is going to look, welll sort of. Maybe this is some sort of punishment for being vain. Maybe.

I joke that my left side needs to be removed because my right side tried to kill me, a sentiment borrowed from a fellow blogger. However, I know that it was not really my breasts that tried to killed me; it was a mutated cell that found what it thought to be a nice, nuturing home and grew. And grew. And grew some more. It grew so well, that it had offspring, who found another nuturing home not too far away. It was this cancer that tried to kill me. Not my breasts.

So, how am feeling about my surgery tomorrow? The woman in me is quietly mourning. However, I know that it needs to be done. I do not want to fight this battle again. Removing the left breast helps to ensure that I will never have to.