Wednesday, February 17, 2010

No Work, No Problem?

It is 7:35 a.m. The kids are at school; Steve left for work an hour ago. I sit here in my pajamas, slippers and night cap and ponder the day. My body still hurts from my fall. I am exhausted. Emotionally, more than anything else.

Yesterday was my last day of work. I did not plan it that way, it just happened. I knew my seizures were a big indicator of something awry, as if my breast cancer is not enough. When the grand mal seizures occurred on Friday night, I knew it was the beginning of the end of my life, the way I had been living it. When I walked into my office yesterday morning, I knew I just could not "have it all" anymore.

Never in my life have I let my epilepsy have power over my decisions. Obviously, I have always had a few limitations. But, my limitations have been few and far between. Logical. The seizures I had on Friday night were very scary. I imagine those who care for me will be extra cautious in the coming months, double checking when/that I took my medications, etc. I will try not to let that get on my nerves. What bothers me more than anything is this sense that my epilepsy is the reason I had to temporarily walk away from my job yesterday.

I have been told that the epilepsy is not the cause - the cancer is - the epilepsy is just a complication. My body sending me a sign. I think I can go with that. However, having epilepsy my entire life, the epilepsy is what strikes at my core. My epilepsy is what eats at my self-confidence. The epilepsy is visible; the cancer is not. I suppose once I have the proposed bilateral mastectomy, my cancer will become more real to those around me. For now, all they see is a tired, but in control, Marsi with a beautiful bald head (or wig, or hat). Control is the operative word here.

I am trying to stay positive. However, staying positive for me requires a practiced ignorance that I am not sure is possible with out having a job for a crutch. Although, I do have a lot to do. For one, my house needs a lot of work, but being inspired by my house was never my strong suit, especially without a car to follow my inspirations to the store. (I have always been good at the shopping part; not necessarily the organizing part.)

I also know I need to get exercising and ready for my mastectomy. Then again, it seems so ironic to exercise so that you can lose the most attractive part of your body. I realize that gaining strength now will help me heal faster. It is just not exactly a surgery I am looking forward to. (Of course, my breast IS trying to kill me.)

I know this post probably sounds awfully depressing. Sorry about that. Then again, walking away from my job was one of the hardest things I have had to do in my breast cancer journey. But true to form, I will find my way back to the positive attitude necessary to my recovery. I just may need a little help from my friends!


  1. I love you <3. Rebecca

  2. Hello Marsi, your post is true and heartfelt. I wish there is something I could say that would make you feel better. Your warrior spirit will get you through this. You will return to work one day, when you're stronger. This is an inconvenient setback, for sure. I feel a bond with you, Marsi. And I look forward to getting to know you better. Anytime you want to talk, I'm here. If you choose to have a bilateral mastectomy, perhaps I could be of some help in getting you prepared for that. If I had to do it all over again, the only thing I would change is I'd skip the lumpectomy and go straight to bi-laterial mastectomy. I think my 1st surgeon was a bit too cocky and laid back. Regrets are not healing though so I try not to dwell on that. I'm sending lots of healing energy your way!

  3. I wish I could offer some magic words to make you feel better, but I know that I can't, so instead I will tell you that I'm thinking about you and sending all the organizng vibes I have your way!

  4. I'm sending all positive energy and thoughts your way for sure!! It's okay to be weak and worry some, you don't have to stay so strong ALL the time you know. Because really, overall, you are very strong and have endured this all so well! And of course to you, given the circumstances and the thought of losing it, it seems as though those buggers are the "most attractive" part of you, but they're not, nor your hair....It's your smile and spirit for sure!!!!!!

  5. I didn't know you had epilipsy, I know quite a few friends who do and they struggle with it but on They charge!!!!
    I say if those Titties are killing you, say goodbye to them. You will wish when you get to be my age that they weren't there....not a pretty sight I can tell ya! They are not what make you beautiful, you are beautiful, so kiss those Puppies goodbye Marsi and get yourself (when you are healed) a pretty special Bra. You will never know they are gone. Do not dwell on the surgery, my friend was back to work in 2 weeks after after her 1 and 1/2 removal.I love you and you are always in my prayers!!!

  6. I used to work in wardrobe for a large show in Reno. A lot of the dancers put a lot of stake (and $) on their faces, hair and boobs. But when the make-up came off, and the clothes went on, a lot of them had little personality and few of them stood out in a crowd for looks or anything else.
    Marsi, you stand out in a crowd, with or without hair; with or without boobs; with or without your job. I know it is of little comfort right now. Feeling control slip away, even for a little while, is scary and depressing. But you are beautiful, and loved by many, and control will return. Don't beat yourself up over totally understandable emotions. The fact that you are sharing them is helping so may others, I hope it also is helping you. God bless you and keep you - I'm still praying!