Well, I have almost made it through the week. I continue to overestimate my strength...but I kind of like it that way. I did lay in bed all day yesterday, outside of the hour I took to sit in the sunshine - grabbing some much needed vitamin D, while eating lunch and reading my book. I also coaxed myself out of bed in time for Steve and the kids' arrival home. We had a nice dinner. Families of San Diego United Futbol Club continue to amaze me - the dinner provided last night was fantastic. However, my strength wained after a couple of hours and I found myself back in bed.
I was disappointed but not surprised. This is chemo number six and I was only three days post. I just always hope that my super powers will kick in and I will utterly astound myself, though I know that my high expectations make this hard to do.
Today I sit in wait for a couple of my colleagues who are coming to take me to lunch. I have been moving around quite a bit this morning. So, just sitting and waiting is probably a good idea. In doing so and typing this entry into my blog, I find my choice of words ironic.
One day, my colleague, Judy explained her distaste for the word just. In the context of work, people ask, "can you just take a look real quick?"; "will you just try to finish a week early?"; or, "will you join us for a meeting just for a minute?" Judy warned requests as such usually require much more work than is implied. Her point resonated with me. I avoid its use and even tell my kids repeatedly not to use that word, literally saying to them, "Mommy does not like it." I have attempted to explain why they just can't watch five more minutes of t.v., or whatever the case may be where they think using the word just is additive to their argument. I am not sure that they have grasped the concept.
I find the irony in the fact that now that I am sick, the word just has a different context for me. I use this word at least 50 times a day now - almost always about my condition and commonly about things I find myself doing or not doing, as the case may be. If I just had a little bit more energy...if I could just sleep a little bit longer...if I could just taste my food...etc., etc.
I do not mean to imply that I am miserable. Complaining is not my thing (I like to keep telling myself this). However, now as I use the word just, I realize that in a backwards sort of way I am sending a message of hope to myself, willing myself to be and get better.
The biggest hope of all......that I will be just fine...and I will be. Just you watch....