Monday, April 26, 2010


I woke up comfortable this morning. Honestly, it was an odd feeling, dramatic as it may sound. Somewhere in the middle of the night, I flipped on the opposite side from which I am used to sleeping and it must have done the trick. I laid in bed as long as I possibly could. the end, I got up to send the kids off to school. It was short lived, but a good reminder of what is to come.

The tubes that remain in my side and the drains to which they are attached make me look pregnant. I try to cleverly disguise this with scarves and blousy tops. It is still annoying. Still, more bothersome is the pain that falls somewhere in between a dull ache and constant itch where the tubes are attached to my body. This is complicated by the part of my arm where they rub (which is part way numb) seeming consistently irritated (which is especially a strange feeling because it is part way numb). With help from Vicodin and Ibuprofen, physical comfort comes and goes. However, looking at the bright side of it all (my friend Shanna would be proud!), I find comfort in a hundred other little things. Below are some recent examples:

-a good laugh with Steve last night when I came out of the bathroom looking like a Christmas elf;
-a movie with my parents yesterday, "Date Night";
-a hysterical laugh with them when I realized that the cow my brother and Kelly were buying with a few friends was not for milk. Gotta love my chemo brain;
-the magical moment when brownies anonymously showed up on my front porch just as I was craving chocolate!;
-a beautiful, sunny Friday afternoon at Lahaina's in Pacific Beach with friends;
-comic strips sent anonymously to me in the mail - they made me giggle!;
-random groceries left anonymously on my front porch;
-dinners provided by families of San Diego United Futbol Club;
-a friend making our COSTCO trip for us last week and cleaning out our freezer to put our groceries away;
-home-made pickles;
-my dog ever so patiently sitting by my side every day;
-starting to get my concentration skills back so I can read book two of The Lightning Thief series. Harrison is anxiously awaiting my opinion, which is the real reason that I am reading the series at all;
-a walk with my family after dinner Saturday night; and,
-all your thoughtful, emails, texts, phone calls and Facebook posts!

As I sit here and type this post, I received a phone call from my surgeon. She is taking my tubes this afternoon. Yay! She is also removing my bandages from my mastectomy too. Not so, yay. I am not sure that I am ready. However, I believe I can endure anything to rid myself of my "drain friends" as I have been calling them. Seeing my scar is just one more check off my list.

Last week, I saw Melissa Etheridge interviewed on OPRAH. She is also a breast cancer survivor. Her new album, Fearless Love, is being released tomorrow and in the title song, she sings of living life "fearlessly". Among other points, in her interview with Oprah, she explains that instead of questioning why she got her cancer or "why me?", she views it as a wake up call that her body was not in balance. Further, she has no "bucket list" as she feels like she should live every day as if it were her last.

I was inspired. As I think about her words in context of my journey, I think that if aspire to live "fearlessly", internal comfort will follow, as well as a whole lot of fun. The rest will be up to me.

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