Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Tomorrow, Work; Thursday, Hair?

I cried. I sat with Steve and cried like I had not cried in a long time. My emotions are usually in check, as I am quick to not give power to negativity that may result otherwise. BUT on Sunday, when I saw the 5 o'clock shadow on my head and felt stubble where there was none just two days before, I cried. My hair is finally starting to grow back. Steve says that my hairline resembles that of Captain Picard, Star Trek, The Next Generation. I am hoping my hair resembles that of G.I. Jane towards the end of this week or next. Either way, I am just happy to have something more than a little stubble on the very top of my head. For a while, I thought it would grow back in the shape of a mohawk because my head was so smooth on both sides. Now, I actually have a hairline that is filling in every day.

My scar is healing nicely. However, if I have spoken with you recently, you know that I am a little "over" having one breast, a six inch scar, no feeling and extra skin across my chest to about half way down my upper arm, no eyelashes on my left eye, a very few on my right, eyebrows that are just barely hanging on and no hair. No matter how great anyone tells me I look, the combination just is wearing on me a bit. That and I am tired of my head and neck being cold. I think this is why I was particularly emotional on Sunday, or maybe it was because I had not had a good cry in a while. Either way, it was a moment I will never forget.

Tomorrow, I will dawn my wig and start working again. I have an early morning appointment at Rady Children's Occupational Health. Assuming they grant me clearance to return to work, I have a 9:00 meeting with my supervisor. We have already briefly spoken about a couple of projects where I will need to focus my energy. I am going to work Monday, Wednesday, Friday for now, full days, which I imagine I will continue through the duration of my radiation treatments. Am I ready? Sure. I know any day I start back will be exhausting for me. I will miss being "around" for my kids and Steve. However, routine is good and I am needed at work. That and I have a new found focus now that I am cancer free. My health and my family are at the forefront, but I have more energy and brain power that I have had in a long time.

On another note, Steve and I meet with my radiation oncologist on Thursday. I am guessing I could start radiation as early as next week. I am not terribly thrilled but in researching my options, I am about 99% sure that having radiation provides the best chance at keeping cancer at bay (more to follow after Thursday's appointment).

In the interim, I am just going to focus on making today the most relaxing day possible. I started a new book last night. I am thinking that reading and pajamas seem to be the order for the day. Hmmmm, I think I need more coffee......


  1. Oh, sweetheart! Hooray for your beautiful hair coming back!! Hooray for "energy and brain power." Hooray for "most relaxing days possible." HOORAY FOR COFFEE.

    Good luck with work! Hugs from up here in Seattle down there to you.

  2. the wisdom of Picard and the strength of G.I. Jane - that's you!! the power of no hair will soon be replaced by a newfound beauty.

    congrats, Marsi - best of luck in your return to work!

  3. So glad you're returning to work!

    I have to tell you, one of the things that really got me down was when my eye lashes fell out, 4 weeks or so post Chemo. That was devasting. Mostly because it was difficult enough for me to look girly, w/ no hair and boobs, then to have my eye lashes go, I cried a lot. . . Insult to injury. But they grew back after a couple of weeks.

    Glad you're hair is coming in! I totally looked like Dr. House for weeks, when mine was growing back. It's been 5 months since chemo and my hair is a couple inches long!

    Enjoy your day! It's a perfect day to lounge in pj's all the day long!

    Good luck on Thursday! Let's meet for coffee soon, Ok?


  4. YAY! For new starts, all around. Hope you have a fabulous first day back at work. I know they will all be so happy to see your beautiful smile again!

  5. Hooray for work! the rest will come, I'm sure.
    Thank goodness for good books, coffee, pjs and sunshine!

  6. Go Marsi! Don't question yourself too much. Do what feels right, real and good. Glad you are feeling so energetic. Can't wait to see you in June! Love, Shelley