So, I have to get my game face on. Radiation starts June 7 and plain and simple, I do not want to do it. All the tests/studies say that I should...and in my head, I agree. Just the mom, the wife and the girl in me is just done. I am tired.
I went back to work, part time on May 20. I am working three days a week for 24 hours in total. It feels good. I like feeling useful. I like knowing that cancer and chemo did not over run my brain entirely. In the week and a half that I have been back, my muscle memory is returning. I still know how to write at the same caliber as before, and I am comfortable with the grant process. Just like riding a bicycle. I am working on a couple of great projects and thriving.
Today, I have a couple of doctor's appointments unrelated to radiation. I have an EEG at 1 followed by an appointment with my plastic surgeon at 3:30. My EEG will put me one step closer to keeping my driver's license and our meeting with my plastic surgeon will help us verify that the plan for my reconstructive surgery that Steve and I have mapped out in our heads is truly on the right track.
And yes, I said keep my driver's license. I have a driver's behind the wheel test on June 30. Last week, I called DMV due to the fact that the paperwork said, "Your license will be suspended if you do not show up." Turns out, they never suspended my license at all since I had the seizure on February 12. Hmm. This does not change the fact that my neurologist recommended that I do not drive. However, in my mind, it does give me "license" to drive occassionally. Afterall, I do not want to go to my driver's test cold. I had enough trouble with that the first time around.
So, I need to get my game face on. I know my driver's test will be just fine. I know radiation will be just fine. Before chemo, to help get me fired up, us girls all put purple streaks in our hair. I do not have enough hair yet to do that. Although, after leaving Ally's shop after getting her hair cut, Madison told me this weekend that she wants a red streak in her hair. Another hmm. Not sure that I am down with a permanent red streak in my six year old daughter's hair.
Anyway, not sure what it will take to get my mind where it needs to be come Monday...maybe nothing. Maybe just another wonderful date with Steve, like I had this weekend (Thanks, Mom and Dad!). Maybe another good conversation with a good friend, like I had with my friend Barbara yesterday. Maybe Lahaina's. One thing is for sure, I will get there. I have no doubt that on Monday, June 7, I will be ready for my next therapy that will finally kick cancer to the curb for good.