I visited the radiation machine today. I had a "mock run" of my radiation therapy. They lined me up. They took x-rays. The doctor gave a sign of approval. I stared right into the mouth of the machine where the radiation will emanate. It looked like it had teeth, as it stood ready and waiting to zap its electronic medicine.
Lying there, perfectly still as instructed by the technicians, alone in the room, the moments felt like an hour. I was emotional, fleeting as it was. I made myself take deep breaths. I thought about how I did not want to go back into treatment. I thought about the cancer and how it was gone. I thought about the beach. I thought about Steve and the kids. I thought about my beautiful skin and what I am about put it through.
I know radiation therapy is the right decision for me. Cancer is a beast. Much more ugly than the machine I laid under today. Not at all discriminating. It does not have technicians that line it up in the perfect spot. And in my case, with my type of cancer, if it comes back and metastasizes, outcomes are not good.
So, radiation is definitely the way to go. I just have to get there. And I will. Emotions in check.