The days go by like hours; the hours go by like days. My heart sinks with the report of each blood test, the numbers not being horrible...but not showing remarkable improvement, if any. There are just two days and a couple of hours until my first CT scan since I started chemo.
Yet, my spirit sores once I strategically trick my brain into overtaking my fear. As I sit here typing this entry, I am in a good place.
I read a great Chinese Proverb on Twitter tonight (thanks to @AncientProverbs): "Pray to God, but keep rowing towards the shore." I love it....it is how I live my life. I have hope; I have faith, but I firmly believe that even prayer will not ensure me a long, fruitful life, if I do not put in the effort myself. Every minute of every hour of everyday is a conscience decision as to what is best for me in that exact moment. As a mother and a wife, many of my decisions involve what is best for my husband and children as well. Deep down, the choices I make feel deliberate and part of a plan. I am living. And I love it.
So, Thursday morning, I will have a CT scan of my abdomen and chest. The blood work that I mentioned above is fairly stable. I am slightly (and only slightly) anemic. (More spinach, please!) BUT, my white count is stable, red count is stable and my neutrophils levels are good. My liver function panel is slightly improved. Since the cancer resides in my liver, this is somewhat encouraging. My tumor marker test is up, however. This and my little bit of increased pain is what got to me today. Do not get me wrong, my pain is NOTHING like what it was before I started chemo. It has increased, none the less, initially making my mind play tricks, doing the cartwheels and back bends that I watch my daughter do at gymnastics week after week.
Then, I realized that at this point, it is what it is. The blood tests are each only small indicators of what the CT scan might say. Might being the key word. I also know that even if I ate an all raw food diet tomorrow, it will not change the outcome of my CT scan on Thursday. All this being said, I know we will just deal with what ever news we receive. We will get the results on 10/3, when we see Dr. Sweet. And, in the meantime, maybe I will just have some pizza and ice cream....to go with my spinach.