Finding Strength

I have been thinking of what to say to everyone as the next phase of my life starts without Marsi.  It is hard to know how to feel.  There are some things I need to say, though I don't know how to express them. I hope this blog entry is not a far cry from the emotions I shared as Marsi was dying and gives you all a glance into the soul of a husband suffering the loss of his wife.  I feel so numb right now and my path forward needs me to get this out.

I have lost Marsi to breast cancer. I did all I could to help her survive. I supported her, comforted her, loved her, and cried with her. I was her punching bag, errand boy, taxi driver, and nurse. I helped her pick doctors, hospitals, surgery’s, and drugs. I didn't leave her when the moments became unbearable. I didn't give up when medicine failed us. I couldn't give up when Hospice was called. I held her when the pain became intolerable. I had to watch my beautiful, strong, amazing wife deteriorate and die, with no way to stop it. I felt so scared. I felt so angry. I was so helpless. Yet people tell me how amazed they were at my strength.

I have thought about this for a few days now and I feel the 'strength' I put forth to survive this long, horrible ordeal, simply came from love.  The boundless love I have for Marsi, as well as her neverending love for me.  Love had given us strength.

I cry. I hurt. I now have a void in my life that I will never be able to fill. Marsi is gone, though I still wait for her to walk through the door, kiss me goodnight, or call my name. The bed feels foriegn without her next to me and the house is too quite without her laughter. She had a brightness about her that made me feel good about myself. I was the lucky one she called husband. So when she was diagnosed with cancer and everyday normalcy was shattered, it was our love for each other that gave us the strength to fight.

Love gave us strength and this strength became courage. We both decided that we must remain positive and live each moment we had left, as we fought this cancer together. Darkness and fear could have easily crept into our lives, but we helped each other through it. For the kids, for the family, for our friends, and for ourselves, we fought through it. Never giving into any negativity or fear that the cancer would win. Marsi still had a life to live and she lived it. She lived it all the way to the end.  She did what she had to do, what the doctors told her to do, and she moved forward.  She enjoyed life and grabed every moment, every second.  Even as her body started to slow down.  I comforted her and stood by her, making sure she wouldn't drown in the darkness and depression that circled her. But honestly, she also did the same for me.

Now, as my angel watches over us from heaven, I still have to be strong and find the strength to move on.  For myself, but more importantly for the children.  Harrison and Madison are fragile now, having lost their mother so young.  This loss will effect them, how could it not.  But with the foundation of love Marsi and I established for this family, our children will be fine.  How could they not be, they have their mothers strength.