Today is my last official day as an employee of Rady Children's. I am trying not to be overly emotional about it. It helps that I had visitors this morning and that I got my laptop back today. It also helps that some very special friends are putting on a golf tournament in my honor on March 10. You see, now that I am not working, I can no longer accept Disability Payments from the State of California. I must now apply for Social Security Disability. I have been told that it can take up to a year to actually start receiving these payments. So what do we do in the meantime? That is a good question. Luckily, my parents have offered to supplement our income and Steve's family is helping a bit too. Plain and simple, especially considering my increased medical expenses, this household can't run on a teacher's salary alone.
This is where the golf tournament comes in too. Especially since it is not tax deductible, I am truly honored by the number of donations that we have received. Many from people we do not even know. I am even more honored by the work of the tournament committee who are sacrificing time out of their already busy schedules to get this done. I feel loved.
On the health front, I had a blood transfusion on Monday to relieve me from anemia. I feel so much better. I no longer get winded walking around my house, there is pep in my voice and I even did some laundry yesterday. The other side, however, is that I have not been able to have chemo for the past two weeks because my platelet count is dangerously low. Dr. Boles says not to worry and that my blood chemistry appears to show that my liver is functioning a little better than it was before. This is very good news. So, my goal is to have chemo February 13. It will undoubtedly wipe all of my counts out again, bring back my anemia and make me sick. I can handle it, if I know it is working.
All in all, I am really looking forward to the golf tournament, where I will speak and participate where I can. Please check it out using this link, if nothing else just to admire the good work my friends are doing. I take great pride in these friends. They are loved more than they know.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
My Road to Depression
This morning I awoke with words floating through my head and I guessed it was about time I write in my blog. My laptop is still under construction; So, I am struggling through with Steve's. The keys feel foreign to me and I am not sure it it is because it is 4:30 in the morning or because the keys seem to sit slightly on the left than where they do on my lap top. Either way, I am struggling.
For those who have not already guessed, I have also been struggling with depression as of late. I think it all started when I broke down and told my mom that I should not be going on our DisneyWorld trip, guessing that I was too weak. I was, but I also knew that a lot of people had put a lot of energy into the trip, Even more than that, I wanted this trip for my kids. I wanted them to be carefree, for me and Steve to be reminded what that felt like and to make those memories. I had it all built up in my head and felt trapped. I was going.
Carefree did not happen. I ended up in the hospital for three days upon our arrival. Extremely dehydrated, with a possible intestinal blockage. While in the hospital, I was told I was crazy and given a brain CT to make sure my cancer had not spread. It was a bad experience, but yet it was needed, as I was discharged hydrated and functioning.
The rest of the trip proceeded, but I still found myself weak and unnerved to be in a wheelchair. Granted, it was needed. We saw Harry Potter World and I rested in First Aid for three hours while Steve and the kids went and drenched themselves on this ride or the other. Steve and the kids went to DisneyWorld the next day without me, we rested the day after and went to Epcot Center for the last day. We did have a lovely time at Epcot and I did not even have to rest in First Aid.
Upon return from our trip, doctor's appointments and chemo awaited. I was exhausted, but also knew that chemo had waited long enough. This particular chemo caused horrible nausea. I was not holding food down or only in very small doses. As I recovered and I am really still working on it, this is where the depression really started to hit. And I did not have too far to fall. I always try to remind myself that I did not ask to be a stage four cancer patient. I cannot blame myself for what my family goes through with me. Easier said than done.
Still, I have not want to do anything, respond to anything,or even get off my couch. It is a strange feeling for me that I am learning to deal with. I am getting help now. And I do not want all to think this an open invitation to call and check on me. I would rather not answer. Right now, I just need my time to process. And I will. And that will be that.
For those who have not already guessed, I have also been struggling with depression as of late. I think it all started when I broke down and told my mom that I should not be going on our DisneyWorld trip, guessing that I was too weak. I was, but I also knew that a lot of people had put a lot of energy into the trip, Even more than that, I wanted this trip for my kids. I wanted them to be carefree, for me and Steve to be reminded what that felt like and to make those memories. I had it all built up in my head and felt trapped. I was going.
Carefree did not happen. I ended up in the hospital for three days upon our arrival. Extremely dehydrated, with a possible intestinal blockage. While in the hospital, I was told I was crazy and given a brain CT to make sure my cancer had not spread. It was a bad experience, but yet it was needed, as I was discharged hydrated and functioning.
The rest of the trip proceeded, but I still found myself weak and unnerved to be in a wheelchair. Granted, it was needed. We saw Harry Potter World and I rested in First Aid for three hours while Steve and the kids went and drenched themselves on this ride or the other. Steve and the kids went to DisneyWorld the next day without me, we rested the day after and went to Epcot Center for the last day. We did have a lovely time at Epcot and I did not even have to rest in First Aid.
Upon return from our trip, doctor's appointments and chemo awaited. I was exhausted, but also knew that chemo had waited long enough. This particular chemo caused horrible nausea. I was not holding food down or only in very small doses. As I recovered and I am really still working on it, this is where the depression really started to hit. And I did not have too far to fall. I always try to remind myself that I did not ask to be a stage four cancer patient. I cannot blame myself for what my family goes through with me. Easier said than done.
Still, I have not want to do anything, respond to anything,or even get off my couch. It is a strange feeling for me that I am learning to deal with. I am getting help now. And I do not want all to think this an open invitation to call and check on me. I would rather not answer. Right now, I just need my time to process. And I will. And that will be that.
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