It has been a long month. And I have sat down to write this several times. The words just have not been there. They fail me. This might be the same reason I have not picked up the phone or that I have not answered email.
Truth be told, I struggle with pain every day. I always thought I was good with pain. I am learning that I am not. I am now working with UCSD's Howell Palliative Care Team to help me manage my medications. I am on Oxycontin every twelve hours and Oxicodone every four hours, so I am happy to have the help. These meds keep me tired most of the time. Every day tasks seem to take extra energy and I am therefore discouraged against completing them. The energy I have one day does not translate well to the next, and so on and so forth. I try to remind myself how good it feels to get out on in the sunshine and do just about anything. Seems like I always feel like going to Target or shopping, but I rarely get out and do these things.
There have been some real nice things happening around me. I went to a Women's Retreat in Julian with my mom a couple of weeks ago. It was so special it is even hard to put into words. Among my favorite parts was me getting a piece of advice from every woman in the room on growing older. I cried a lot. I suppose I needed that. My mom tucked me into bed every night. I suppose I needed that too. It was such a positive experience that I know I will remember the rest of my life.
My daughter was in her first talent show this week. I beamed with pride as I watched her sing on stage with her friend, Grace. Talent show participation was not something I would have even considered when I was her age.
With all that I have had going on, one thing that is not moving forward is chemotherapy. My platelet counts remain too low. Next week is technically my week off and though it is full of doctor's appointments of all types, I am hoping that my platelet counts come up again, so I can have chemo the week after next. Last time around, this did not happen. Maybe I will get lucky this time.