Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Dancing

Dancing is something we all do in some way.  Be it for fun or be it for competition, we love to watch it and we love to partake.  Be it at a wedding, a school dance, or at home to the radio, we all feel good when we move around and shake what mama gave us!  This is something Marsi and I loved to do.  It brought us together, made us one. I could see the smile on her face as  I would twirl her around and the giggle that escaped as she tryed to catch her feet.  We all have moments like this, a memory of an event where you and your life partner threw caution to the wind and just moved on the dance floor, uncaring of the looks of appreciation or horror that came from the crowd. Just the two of you is all that mattered. A moment created that means so much.

Marsi and I still dance.  With weeks to months left, as told to us by the Oncologist, we still dance.  Unfortunatly it is not the fun carefree type of dance that we would break out at weddings or events that made us laugh and live, but a more subdued dance that has meaning only to us.  When Marsi needs to use the restroom, I carefully pull her out of bed and into my arms.  She is unsteady and fearful of falling, but I know I have her and will lead her.  We walk and shuffle together through the bedroom, in a kind of rhythm, her forward and I back, moving to the restroom at a steady pace, a steady beat.  In a strange way, these moments of dance give me a kind of happiness and warmth as I remember better times with my girl.  I share this with Marsi as a smile, a quick kiss and the words "I love you" are whispered between us. Her smile makes me happy, a moment of magic like old times, and then we are back to reality as I help her sit down once we reach the bathroom.  We still have one more song on the way back to the bed and then she lays down to rest, exhausted from our dance.

To update you all on Marsi's current state, she just had a catheter put in on the left side of her lower belly yesterday. This will allow us to drain the fluid that builds up in her abdominal cavity.  The fluid comes from the cancer that now lines her abdominal wall.  Organs in our body have the ability to drain this fluid if the cancer is on an organ, but when it is on the abdominal wall, there is no natural drainage system available, so the fluid builds up in her abdominal cavity, needing to be drained by long needles or a specially placed catheter.  This obviously is no pinic for Marsi, but as I stated before, she is the strong one.

Today we sign papers, officially placing Marsi on hospice care.  I know this is the best thing for her, but it is still hard to accept or believe.  The kids will not accept that the end is approching and I often find myself questioning and wondering if there is anything else for us to do, to help her fight.  I want the kids to be right.  To find that miricle. To bask in childlike innocents and know mommy will be around forever.  It is all so unfair!  It is all so wrong!  Hospice will help Marsi now on her road to heaven.  Hospice will help the family move forward, as well.

Thank you to everyone who wrote a comment to Marsi and I at the end of the last blog entry.  I do read them and cry, and thank the lord we have such wonderful friends and family.  I have started to read them to Marsi and she loves hearing your kind words and memories.  Today, along with hospice beginning, I hope to video tape Marsi being with the kids and catching her smile a few more times.  She has touched all of us in a positive, wonderful way and know her memory will live on in all of us. 

So next time you dance, look your partner in the eyes, flash them a smile and tell them you love them, because memories can be cherished forever.

----Steven


28 comments:

  1. We dance every day. Maybe just Logan and I or just Logan and Tim or sometimes all of us together. It is wonderful and we all enjoy it. Now I will also dance with you each time the music starts to play and our bodies start to move.
    Love Lynn Sevall

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  2. Steve and Marsi,
    Thank you for sharing these moments with us. You certainly don’t “owe” us this peek into your love, but it is so true, and wonderful that I appreciate your willingness to share. Your perspective on the dance is very similar to what I witnessed with my grandparents. Such grace and beauty cannot be broken no matter the heartbreak. I pray that you can have moments of child-like innocence sprinkled throughout your days. I think we all need those moments, no matter what we are going through. Take care of each other and know that you are loved my many.

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  3. Well we know we like some dancing here! I typically refraim from talking about GOD simply because I do not know how everyone's faith is. I see you are a family of faith and you must continue to ask the lord for strength in these extremely difficult times. Remember he is always around and always there to talk to! We all have have a spot in heaven waiting for us and it is so frustrating when ones we love so much take their place to soon, knowing that they are set free once there and out of any pain and suffering they were enduring. Encountering streets of gold,no pain, no sadness, etc... Steve your are so right, it is not fair!!!!! Marsi you have strength that has been given to you by god that has touched so many peoples lives it is amazing! People are amazed by your courage and strength as am I. We love you all. Steve and Marsi, kids etc... remember we are phone/texts away anytime day or night!!!!

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  4. My heart is breaking, but the picture of your dance puts a smile on my face.
    Cherish every moment, every dance, every smile and every I love you!
    I love you White man and your beautiful dance partner!
    XOXOX Laurie

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  5. Steven and Marsi I read this and it reminds me of the EPIC love uncle Milt and aunt Nancy had and for you two to have that is the BIGGEST blessing I love you both!!!!

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  6. My heart is breaking for the helplessness of this situation but the truth is that I know many who live have have not loved and to witness the dance you both are sharing is a real tribute to being a life partner and sharing the journey. All of it. I don't know you personally Steve, but I feel fortunate to have met you last November at the walk Marsi was able to go to. I send prayers and a hope that Marsi does not suffer and that there the spirit of Marsi will always be with those she loves. She is all things wonderful and I'm so thankful to know her and admire her as she has battled so courageously. Thank you for sharing these posts and reminding us all to cherish those moments.

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  7. We love reading the beautiful letters you write to your bride. Please remember we love you both and are greatful to have you in our live. Love, AK &UJ

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  8. SSSSSSlow dances are the BEST!

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  9. Dearest Steve and Marsi,
    There are no adequate words right now, but I can tell you with much certainty that the connection and love between you two is indelible. You are two of the most loving, beautiful, wonderful humans I have ever met and I know that your love will transcend time, space and mortality - it is forever. There is a movie that reminds me of you two - it is called "What Dreams May Come." If you are up for a movie, I recommend it - it is a story of love - the forever love, the kind you two share. Please know that my love, thoughts and prayers are with you at all times. I love you both. -- Janal

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  10. Dear Steve
    How wonderful that you have taken up writing the blog now that Marsi is not able. Your dance is remarkable; you will always have that. We will always remember the love and compassion you conveyed with your description.
    Namaste
    Phyllis Hartigan

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  11. What a beautiful post, Steve. You are so eloquent in your writing and true mench (person of integrity and honor). Marsi is lucky to have you, as you are lucky to have her. Hugs to you and the family. Thank you for staying strong.

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  12. Steve and Marsi,
    What a beautiful and heart wrenching post. You have all been in my thoughts and prayers a lot. Your love, strength and grace are wonderful examples to us all. Your amazing children are beautiful extensions of you both and your openness and commitment to each other will serve them well during this impossibly difficult time. Our hearts and thoughts are all with you and I hope they will bring you peace in the weeks ahead. With love, Katie

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  13. Beautiful post, Steve. You and Marsi sure have a way with your words. Excellent writers. I've been thinking of Marsi and your family so much. I'm praying every chance I get. Wishing peace for you all.

    You're right. This is so unfair. And very wrong.

    I love you all. <3 <3 <3 <3 Please give Marsi a hug from me. Nancy

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  14. Steve and Marsi, My heart is so full. Your beautiful post of dancing with Marsi epitomises your journey together. When I think of you both, besides the incredible courage you've shown, I aways think of you with amazing "grace" I love you both and you are in my heart. Pat

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  15. What a beautiful, tender post...You both have such an incredible way with words. Our family thinks of you all often and marvel at your strength. Love, The Sneep Family.

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  16. Steve, once again, beautiful words. God bless you, Marsi and your wonderful children. I am here if anything is needed. In the meantime, I am wrapping my arms around the four of you and squeezing tight. Love and hugs to all of you. Love you, Miss Marce. XOXO, Chris

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  17. Steve and Marsi, I have been following the posts and quietly say prayers for your family. You inspire me with your posts and your love for Marsi. You have a wonderful support system in place... please reach out and use that support when needed. Kim W.

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  18. Fantastic post Steve. Thank you for helping us to take time and smell the roses, while being thankful for what we have...when we have it. My favorite "fortune cookie quote" is: ADVERSITY DOES NOT BUILD CHARACTER, IT REVEALS IT. Amidst perhaps the most severe form of adversity imaginable, you, Marsi, and the family have been strong and supportive of each other...truly revealing the love & devotion that is present now, and will forever be. We all wish there was something else that could be done at this point...just know you're in our thoughts and prayers. In the meantime, continue to dance, smile, and reflect! (Gordo & Helena)

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  19. Steve and Marsi,

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family! You have more support than you even know!

    Kristin Graham
    YSC San Diego

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  20. Mary Ward here, 2nd cousin to you Marsi. I talked to Norma tonight, we discussed how wrong, how unfair, and about your children's ages. I was 11 when I lost my Father, not an easy road. Perhaps your very strong love with Steve will help a great deal. I am having a very difficult time accepting ,but I guess I must, this is not about me!!! I Love you Both and remember your Wedding Day with Aunne Laura and Steve. You two have done well and loved well, continue to till the end. Hospice is wonderful!! And for now It is all I can say. Love you both and your children too. Mary

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  21. The Shields family is constantly thinking about and praying for you Steve and Marsi. The Dales are our second family and we love all of you!

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  22. Dear Steve and Marsi,
    Eric and I read your recent posts and just want to send our caring thoughts and express our appreciation to you for sharing your journey. Eric is thinking of Harrison at this tough time. The dignity, courage and grace you have shared is unbelievable. Take Care. The Walton Family.

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  23. I came over from Jules' blog and while I don't know you, may I just say you are an amazing man, husband, and father. I am heartbroken by the pain you are suffering and yet finding the beauty in the dance and the precious moments you have left together are inspirational and uplifting. I will keep your family in my prayers.

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  24. LOve you BOTH!!!!

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  25. Dear Marsi & Steve,
    Your strength of spirit is an inspiration. Thank you both for this precious gift.
    Hugs, Linda Dreyfuss

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  26. I have no words...just deep thought this day, you are in my entire being today and although I am not happy with the reasons why, I am so grateful for the gift of knowing you and having you on my mind! XOXO ALL my love, your friend Kim

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  27. Marsi and Steve, I follow your posts regularly. I find myself going on FB more often to hear the inspirational words and hear the stories of your love and the struggles you are facing. I have tears fall down my face each time and I think about how hard you have all fought over the past few years. I feel very privileged to have had even some small part of getting to know you both and your beautiful children over these past years. I want you to know that I think about you everyday and my positive energy is flowing straight to your hearts!!! Thank you for showing everyone that true love still exists. I think there are some non-believers out there. But after reading this blog I am not part of that group... Love to all of you!! Patty

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  28. Steve and Marsi,

    Although, heart wrenching as it is to read your post they are a true inspiration. Your deep unconditional love is so endearing and as I sit here with tears running down my face I feel the need to get up and dance. Because of circumstances in my young adult life I have always tried to embrace each day as if it is the last but you have reminded to me to keep living for the now. You have an amazing relationship and beautiful children. Sending you love and hugs . It is a priviledge to read your beautiful words.

    Charleen.

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