Christmas Eve was finally upon us. Still recovering from side affects of my chemo from this past Monday, I knew the holiday would be a difficult one for me and my family. I did not want to think about it too much or complain. I anticipated the emotion but hoped to avoid it.
The first time I cried was during Christmas Mass. I shed a tear as I proudly watched my children kneeling in prayer, praying to God for my health, their daddy, their friends, Santa or whatever brought them comfort at that moment.
When we returned home, exhausted beyond recognition, I cried uncontrollably because of what I would be unable to accomplish that evening. I was able to track Santa with Maddie through Norad for a few minutes. However, the traditional rituals of putting out the cookies and partaking in the magic that is Christmas Eve with young kids was just not for me this year. As I relunctantly headed to bed at 8:30 (before the kids), I sobbed to Steve that I did not want to be sick anymore. I am sure it broke his heart. I feel badly for that...he even had to stuff his own stocking!
I cried this morning. At the time, I just felt ugly. I wanted my hair. I wanted to feel better. I wanted to enjoy Christmas. Reflecting back, I think the emotion resulted from residual exhaustion from the previous day. Going to my parents house was the best medicine. My family's patience was astounding. I do not think I had much "light in my eyes", as my dad put it, until fairly late in the day. A good talk with Kelly (my awesome sister-in-law), a nap and a brisk walk with Steve right before the Chargers' game brought focus. The Chargers started winning and I found peace in the day.
I cried with my mom in the kitchen sometime in the middle of it all. This time, it was not because I was sad. I just felt the need to give her a hug, tell her that I love her and thank her for such a wonderful Christmas. She is brave. She tries not to cry. I know that. She needed acknowledgement and that is the least I could do for her.
Despite the tears of the day, I think I ended in a good emotional spot. Christmas is magic. Maybe it is because I had all of these emotions on Christmas, that I was able to work through them. Maybe I am done for awhile. Maybe not. But as I end the day with Harrison sitting next to me and Maddie on Steve's lap watching SNL's replay of "Schweddy Balls", all is right with my world. Merry Christmas, all.