All that being said, selfishly, the thought that keeps ringing through my brain, like a school bell calling students to class, loud and clear is: "God, I hope I live to be 56." Not to trivialize his fight. Not to make it about me, at all, but at age 40 with one chemo treatment unsuccessfully tested and my tumors still growing (even ever so slightly), I am scared.
For the past 12 hours, I have been struggling with whether to write this entry in my blog. I have been struggling with who might read this and be upset. Most importantly, I have been struggling with how to turn the negative connotation of living to age 56 into a positive affirmation. Truthfully, what I want to tell myself and by doing so putting into the universe, "I am completely healthy. My body will rid itself of cancer and I will live a long and fruitful life."
I thought that maybe if I wrote this in my blog, I would be one step closer to resolving my conflicted emotions. Maybe.
I have been reading so many wonderful quotes that Steve Jobs exclaimed during his career at Apple. I think my favorite was posted on my cousin Melissa's FaceBook page. It reads:
"Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma —which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”In my heart of hearts, I know that my time is not limited any more so than the person who sits on my left or my right. Moreover, worrying about what kind of time that I have left is a waste of energy and will impair my struggle.
Now, if I could just get my brain wrapped around that......